Well, I suppose you would like to know what is happening in my world. I finally finished my last radiation three weeks ago. That was radiation done on one tumor on my lung. I started feeling better, but now I have pnamonia again. The antibiotics are making me feel pretty crappy. I am still on two seizure meds and steroids. I wanted to take a break from everything for a while, but it is looking like I will have to continue the seizure meds and steroids for quiet some time now. What'd ya do? Keep on truckin. I was just hoping that I could have at least one month of feeling "normal" what ever that is. Lately I have been feeling bad because I can't keep up with most people my age. I feel bad that I can't play catch with the kids and I don't even have the energy to sit through a football game to watch Jordan in the band. Sometimes I feel like I am just a fly on the wall in my house, but apparently the people in my house really love the fly on their wall. I will go back to Ann Arbor Nov. 30 for scans and to see all of my docs to find out if all of this craziness has helped (brain surgery and radiations). I guess it is just more to add to my story.
This past week or so have helped me put more things into perspective. A couple of close friends were diagnosed with cancer. I am very happy to help emotionally as much as possible, but I wish I could take theirs for them. I already have it, so it would be so much better for them if I could just add it to mine. Also a pretty close friend of the family passed a few days ago in an accident. That just makes me wonder why people have to suffer. I never thought of myself as suffering, but it just doesn't seem fair. A quick accident would be much better (I think). I guess that I am finally feeling sick and I am more restricted on what I can do and it is driving me nuts (really, I don't mind chocolate covered nuts though). I know that this too will pass.
So many of you have complimented me on my inspiration and strength. I thank you for that, but sometimes I am not as strong as I seem. I just take what life gives me and keep on going. Sometimes I get sad and wonder why. Mostly I get jelous of others my age or older to see their stamina is much better than mine. I guess that the strength that I have is my drive to just keep going. I will be the first person with stage 4 sarcoma with brain mets to see remission. That keeps me going. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". That has gotten me through a lot.
I suppose in a nutshell, I am tired of being sick and I want my life to get as close to normal as it can. I know it will be far from perfect (becasue I live with a bunch of lepurchauns), but maybe they can bring me some luck hahahaha.
Anyway, for those of you who are new to this stuff, I have learned that it is okay to cry, break down, get angry and ask why. Those are all part of our humanly emotions. But, what makes us strong is that even if we don't like it, we must keep going. Keep fighting and keep listening to the docs. When God decides it is our time, that is when we will go. The label "cancer" doesn't always mean that it is our time. Maybe it means that it is our time to change parts of our lives, but that is all. There is always hope as long as you want it!!!!
I just want to take a quick minute to let you all know how much I appreciate your comments and encouragement! Sometimes that helps me stay strong and keep going. The boys and I have been paying attention to how pretty God paints the sky for us in the morning and at night. Those small blessings are so important to pay attention to. We all need to slow down and really soak in this beautiful world! Sometimes we get in such a hurry that to "stop to smell the roses" isn't enough. We need to take the time to see the rose pedals too. That is what I have learned over this summer.
So, sorry to ramble. I have much more to ramble about so watch for further posts. I love all of you and thank you for helping my journey easier!!!!